untitled
by calyopse
Summary: "You're so unhappy you can barely breathe." / "Write hard and clear about what hurts." -E. Hemingway /rated T for mature topics/au & ooc/ you probably can't handle this story anyway/
1. The last day of summer

Journal entry 1

A writing prompt

September 9

Writing prompt 1: Last day of summer

There she was. Sitting on the front steps right outside her house. I sat down next to her. Her eyes seemed to be lost in the sky. It was getting too dark and a low fog had settled in.

I sat down next to her.

"Hey," she said.

I looked at her. She didn't return my glance.

"Hey," I said back.

"So it's actually going to happen, huh?" Her voice caught a little. I pretended not to notice.

"Yeah."

It started to rain. For a minute we didn't say anything because the rain said everything that needed to be said.

"Even the sky is crying for you." She told me. Her usually vibrant red hair had faded to a darker shade due to the rain.

She looked at me.

I could single out a single tear amongst the raindrops on her cheeks.

I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out.

She inched herself closer to me. I did the same. Her hand found mine.

We were sitting together, but somehow I still felt alone. Like we were swimming different oceans.

She stood up.

"Come with me," she said.

"Where are we going?" I asked her.

"Somewhere where we won't feel alone." She said.

She felt the same thing I did. This made me feel better. A lot better actually.

I took her hand and together we wandered into the woods. She sat down at the top of the large hill that overlooked our small neighborhood. I sat beside her. She turned so that we were facing each other.

"This is it," She began.

"This is it," I repeated.

"This is all the time we have left." She said.

"I could ask for another day-"

"No. Please don't do that. It would only make this whole thing worse."

"My stepmom. She said that I'd be happier in a whole new place. A fresh start almost. A chance for me to be happy. She said she's doing this for me. I tried to tell her that I don't want to move away," I explained.

"It's okay. At least you tried. And, and I think that's all that matters. I don't mind if all this time is all we have to spend." She said.

"Will you miss me?"

"More than you would ever know."

I looked down and smiled.

"Before you know it you'll be out of here and making new friends already."

"I don't think I'll make any friends where I'm going." I said.

"That's okay. If you ever feel alone just look at the sky and know that I'll be looking, too."

"I won't forget."

She gave me a small smile.

I plucked a small yellow flower, wet with rain, from the ground and placed it in her damp hair.

"There. It'll stop you from crying," I said.

She gave a small laugh. "Thank you."

Hearing someone laugh after they've been crying is one of the best sound I'll ever hear in my entire life. And knowing that I was the one to make her laugh makes me feel a lot better. I didn't tell Rachel this because I thought she wouldn't appreciate it as much as I do.

"Percy, can I ask you something personal?" She asked.

I shook my head yes. I felt a little nervous because she could ask me anything. Literally anything about me. And I don't think that I want to tell her some of the things that I've done, thought, felt, or said. And if I can't tell those specific things to her, then I can't tell them to anybody.

"Have you ever been in love?" She asked me.

I could swear she could hear my heart beating so loudly.

"Yes. Right now. With you." I said.

For a second all I could hear was the pitter-patter of the rain. Her gentle eyes bored into mine. I think I answered her question wrong. Just like every other thing I do. Wrong.

She didn't say anything back. I tried to figure out what she was thinking but Rachel has an unpredictable nature. She placed her hand under my chin and leaned forwards. And then she kissed me.

I didn't have time to think more about the kiss because someone blew their car horn and we could hear it all the way from here.

"That's probably my parents." I said.

She gave me a worried look.

"Come with me," I told her.

We took off down the hill. Sure enough, our car was waiting right outside the house.

My step mom smiled at me through the window. I turned to Rachel.

"Maybe someday I'll see you again," she said.

"So I don't think we should say goodbye, because I'm not leaving you entirely," I said.

"I don't think we should say goodnight either because in the morning I'll come down to your house looking for someone who's no longer there."

"Then, hello, Percy."

"Hello, Rachel."

And then we drove off.

So here I am. In wet clothes, driving to a place I've never been, with people I've never known and things I've never seen. Some people say that there's a certain beauty in adventure.

I just think that it's nerve wracking. From the takeoff to the arrival. It's all just too much.

The sky is dark, but angels made of fog are flying over us tonight. Small yellow circles of light glitter in the distance. Rain is pouring heavy. In my eyes and outside too.

Sometimes I wish that everything was just a dream and in a second I would wake up and I'm just nine years old again. I don't know.

"Its going to be a long ride to our new home, so maybe you should get a little rest, honey," said my step mom.

I won't. I can't.

I leaned my head against the cold window and stared right up at the sky and hoped that she was looking, too.

And before I knew it, the night was gone.

Yours truly,

Percy


	2. Elizabeth Porter

Journal entry 2

Elizabeth Porter

September 10

Our new house is small but satisfying. The neighborhood is closely knit and kids play outside a lot. My stepfather, Gabriel, doesn't like anything about it. He was totally against moving, but somehow, my stepmom talked him into it.

I still don't understand how she did it. I mean, Gabe is large and intimidating and Sally is small and fragile. But she has a way with words, that woman. Even when Gabe doesn't want to talk. Which is usually the case.

"Good morning," said Sally.

I shot her a brief smile and ate my breakfast.

"I'm sorry I wasn't home when you got back from school. But you can tell me all about it now. Did you make any friends?" She asked.

"No, everybody was too busy hanging out with friends they made last year." I said.

"You'll make one soon, okay?"

"I doubt it." I stared into my cereal.

She took a heavy breath and handed me a small amber colored jar of pills.

I took two pills instead of one. She didn't notice.

Walking to school soon became my favorite part of the day. This was mostly because it was one of the only times where I was by myself. Sometimes I like being by myself because I don't have anyone worrying about me constantly or having to worry that I might get hurt again like I do at home.

And sometimes I don't like being alone because my thoughts get too heavy and I start to lose sanity for a moment. Why doesn't this happen to other people? Why aren't I like other people? Maybe there are people like me-people all around the world who are just looking for a hand to hold.

I can't say that I enjoy school. I guess that's the one thing that me and the other students have in common. I usually just keep my head down so that I don't make eye contact with anyone. At my school, making eye contact with students that are above me, like sophomores, juniors and seniors means that you're looking for a fight.

I know this because this one kid named Nico made eye contact with a group of juniors yesterday and he got punched and split his lip.

I wasn't there when it happened but that's what people keep whispering about. I don't want to end up like Nico so I keep my eyes cast low.

Schoolwork is hard for me. I can't seem to focus on one thing. Well, I can, but after a while my mind drifts off to other things and I end up getting sad again.

Some of my teachers get frustrated with me because I won't speak up when they ask me a question. My math teacher got mad at me for this and sent me out of the classroom. The school counselor found me there and asked why I was sitting out here.

"Because I can't talk loud enough," I told her. I remember her from yesterday. We had a talk in her office yesterday.

Mrs. Fitzgerald , the counselor, called my math teacher out into the hall. She whispered something into his ear. I only caught three words.

"...extremely depressed...anxiety..."

My math teacher patted my shoulder and apologized. We went back into the classroom.

Later he called on me to answer a question. I answered quietly.

"Correct! Good job, Percy! I knew you could do it!" He replied.

I hate my math teacher.

Lunch used to be one of my favorite parts of the day because I got time to myself to think about things. But it's not anymore.

Today someone stuck their foot out as I was walking to my table. So naturally, I tripped over it and spilled my lunch everywhere. Luckily it was all dry food, so no stains. I ended up getting dried seaweed chips in my hair and now whenever someone passes me in the hall they call me 'seaweed brain'.

Mrs. Fitzgerald took me to her office after that incident. I was kind of glad that she did that because she saved me from getting even more embarrassed.

She told me that she got a phone call from Sally and she said that I have to come to Mrs. Fitzgerald's office everyday at lunch to talk about my feelings. I told Mrs. Fitzgerald that I didn't want to do this. She said that it was the schools duty to listen to parents.

I didn't talk to Mrs. Fitzgerald for the rest of the time. So she brought in a different person to talk with me instead.

Her name was Ms. Porter, but she told me to call her Elizabeth because it was her first name and that she didn't want to seem like she had any authority over me.

Elizabeth had long unkempt dark brown hair and wide blue eyes. Her face was freckly and kind. She looked, maybe, 30 years old. She asked me what my name was.

"Percy Jac-Just Percy," I said. I didn't say my last name because I didn't want her identify my by anything else other than Percy.

"Nice to meet you, 'Just Percy'," she smiled.

I smiled back.

I liked Ms. Po-Elizabeth.

By the end of the day, I still didn't make any friends. Actually, I did make one friend. Elizabeth. Now I have two friends: Elizabeth and You.

After school, Elizabeth took me out to get some coffee. We talked about things like the weather, Portland, and music. She also drove me home and she told me that she wanted to meet my parents. I told her that she didn't have to, but she insisted.

So I told her to wait by the door while I went inside. Sally wasn't home but Gabe was. He was standing in the living room with his arms crossed and eyes on fire. Figuratively, of course.

"Where the hell have you been?!" He shouted. He looked really angry. I took a step back.

"Shh, my counselor is right outside," I stammered.

"What counselor?"

"My school counselor," I opened the door.

"Come on in, Ms. Porter." I called.

Elizabeth nervously stepped inside.

"Hello," she greeted. She stuck out her hand. Gabe shook it.

"I'm Elizabeth Porter, Percy's counselor. You must be..."

"Gabriel Ugliano, Percy's stepfather," said Gabe.

"Nice to meet you, Mr. Ugliano-"

"Call me Gabriel."

"Nice to meet you, Gabriel. I just stopped by to let you know that I will be counseling Percy at school for the next...well, for as long as he needs it."

"Right, thank you. He needs a lot of help," said Gabe.

I frowned. So did Elizabeth.

"Okay, well, have a good afternoon, Mr. Ugliano-"

"Gabriel."

Elizabeth ignored him. "I'll see you tomorrow, Percy."

"Bye, Elizabeth."

And just like that, she was gone.

"Did you see that?" Gabe told me. "She likes me. See, by next month I'll have already banged her."

"You're married," I said.

"So?"

"Pig," I said under my breath as I walked away.

Gabe thundered over to me and yanked my hair.

"What did you say, you little faggot?" He growled.

I gasped in pain. "Nothing! I didn't say anything!"

He let go of my hair and shoved me to the ground.

"That's right, punk. You think you're so tough just because you've got a little school counselor to protect you. Well guess what, champ? I'm still man of this house, YOU HEAR ME?! Just because we moved doesn't change ANYTHING. Now get up off the GODDAMNED FLOOR and head to your FUCKING ROOM before I kick your ass a second time!"

I picked myself up and went up to my room. I hate Gabe so much. He's just-terrible. I can't even describe how much I hate him. He's been hitting me since I was nine. Sally and him adopted me when I was six.

I think this is all I'm going to write for today because my head hurts and now I feel like crying again. I think I'll take some pain killer and one more anti-depressant.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**reviews are appreciated/give me feedback**


	3. Annabeth Chase

Journal entry 3

Annabeth Chase

September 14

Today is Friday and I feel like I'm doing okay. Making friends is still at the top of my priority list. But I think I'll bump it down a few spaces because I honestly just want to feel like I belong somewhere.

Things are still kind of rough all over. I don't like being at home. I've never liked my home at all, actually. Gabe hasn't done anything to me since Tuesday, so that's good. But I'm worried for Sally because I can always hear Gabe yelling at her upstairs in their room. And he hits her, too. I haven't seen him do it, but I know he does, because Sally occasionally gets the same bruises that I do. Just not as often I.

I don't like my family. Sally worries too much and Gabe is just the worst person anyone can be. I know Sally has her heart in the right place, but I just don't like having someone constantly stressing over me like I'm some injured puppy. I hope you agree with me.

I like staying up late at night. Mostly because I like the stars. Also because I think best at night. I don't have very many dreams. But I enjoy every dream I can get.

I think I'm doing a little bit better in school than I used to. Things are a little better now that I have someone to talk to. But I still feel lonely. I mean, Elizabeth is great and all, but I think I also want to have a friend who is my age. It would feel a bit more natural to talk to people my age.

I told this to Elizabeth and she said that she thinks it would be wonderful for me to have other people to talk to. I've been sharing a lot of things about myself to Elizabeth lately. I haven't told her anything too personal, though. But if I were to tell someone those things, it would be either her or Rachel. But I can't really tell Rachel now, so Elizabeth is my only option. I think I actually want to tell her. But not now. Maybe in the winter.

I feel really angry for some reason. Not the kind of anger that makes you destroy everything, but the kind of anger that makes you realize things that you've never thought about before. I like this feeling.

"So what's the deal with that notebook," Elizabeth asked. "I see you with it everywhere."

"On the first day of school, my English teacher gave us all notebooks so that we can write about our lives. And then we have to turn it in at the end of the year. And we also get a grade on it." I explained.

"You get graded on your life story? That seems a bit..."

"Oh not like that. I meant that you get a completion grade. If you don't have that much stuff written down then you fail. Right now I only have two complete entries. I'm halfway through the third entry. I want to show you, but not right now. Maybe in the winter I'll get the courage to let you read it."

She gave a sincere smile. "Oh, you really don't have to."

"No, I want to. Honest. I'm just not ready."

"You're an interesting boy, Percy."

"I think you're interesting, too, Elizabeth."

Like I said before, I really enjoy being with Elizabeth.

It seems like everyone is going somewhere on Friday. I've been listening to fragments of conversations in the halls and a lot of people got invited to this huge party at someone's house. His name is Luke, I think. The party seemed kind of exclusive because the only people that we're talking about were the ones with fake skin and and even faker friends. That's all anybody is going to be talking about on Monday, I bet.

But in a way, my life is a bit more simple because I never get invited to social events anyway.

Even if I did get invited I'd probably stay home because I don't know how to carry a conversation. But don't worry. I'm secretly practicing my conversation skills with Elizabeth.

It rained after school. Elizabeth told me that she couldn't drive me home because she had to stay at school for a board meeting. I told her that it was okay, even though I don't know what a board meeting is.

I was in love with rain. Not actual rain. Just the idea of rain. But I want to be in love with actual rain.

I remember reading this excerpt from a poem, "You say you love the rain, but yet you carry an umbrella."

I don't want to be like that.

So I walked home and embraced it. I felt a little empty because all this rain reminded me of my last day with Rachel. I could picture her walking right beside me. She would say something funny. Then I would laugh. And then our fingers would accidentally touch like they always do. And we would end up holding hands and turning pink like we always do.

I'm going to stop writing about her for now because my chest is starting to sink and a lump has formed in my throat.

Someone's car was parked in our garage when I got home. We rarely got visitors at our old house. Five other pairs of shoes were littered on our welcome mat. I took off mine and went inside.

A girl I've never seen before was sitting on the living room couches while two small boys wrestled on the other couch. Sally welcomed me while a strange man and woman stood behind her.

"Dear god, you're soaking wet," Sally exclaimed. "Here, meet Mr. and Mrs. Chase. They live really close by and are here to welcome us to the neighborhood. Say hello."

"You must be Percy," the man stuck out his hand. I froze.

"Son?" His hand still lingered in the air.

I ran past him and up to my room.

I felt really mean for not shaking his hand. He must think I'm a freak for running away like that.

I changed into something dry and fell onto my bed. I felt like I should go down there and apologize, but I'd probably make things more awkward than they already were. I made a mark on my wrist for being an idiot and also just to drown the regret. Red paper towel littered the unseen corners of my room.

There was a knock on the door. I went and opened it. The same girl I who sat in the living room was standing outside my bedroom door.

"Hi," I said quietly.

"Your mom wanted me to-"

"Stepmom. She's my stepmom," I interrupted. She paused.

"Sorry," I apologized for interrupting.

"Your stepmom," she continued. I don't think she heard me apologize. "Told me to come up here and meet you, so yeah. Oh, I'm Annabeth, by the way."

She stuck out her hand. I think I flinched, but I didn't shake her hand. I pulled the door open wider.

"I'm Percy." I sat down on my bed and fumbled with my fingers.

Annabeth leaned on the wall. Annabeth. How could I describe her? Well, Annabeth had long blond hair, careless like the bristles of a paintbrush, well past her shoulders. Her eyes were storm clouds, but somehow I knew that she wouldn't hurt a fly. She had almost unnoticeable freckles on her face, like white paint splatter on white paper.

She looked like art. Not the kind of art that was made for exposure and all things fancy. The kind of art that made you feel things you've never known, but also yet appealing in its own way. Kind of like how people are attracted to cities and she was but a small leaf and yet even more beautiful than all of Portland.

And those words are the only words I would ever want to use to describe her.

"Wait, I know you." Said Annabeth.

"I don't think we've met," I said.

"You're seaweed brain. The kid who got seaweed chips in his hair."

I closed my mouth and strangled my fingers anxiously.

"I probably shouldn't have mentioned that. Sorry." She looked sincere.

"I've gotten used to it," I said quietly.

"But other than that, you do look familiar."

"I'm in your English class."

"That's right, you sit right in front of me."

I nodded.

"Have you already gotten started on that journal Blofis is making us do?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm on my third entry."

"I still haven't found anything to write about."

"Maybe I could-"

There was a knock at the door.

It was Gabe.

"Get dressed, boy. We're going out to dinner with the Chases." He said to me.

"Okay."

"You have three minutes."

Then he left.

"I guess I'll see you downstairs?" Annabeth asked.

"Yeah, give me a second."

She left and I closed the door behind her. Once I had changed, I headed downstairs and met up with everyone else.

Gabe and Sally were getting in our car while Mr. and Mrs. Chase were getting in theirs. I was about to get in the car until Annabeth nudged her head at her parents car. I nodded and got in their car with her.

Fortunately, her brothers decided to go in Sally's car.

We hit the road.

Rain pelted the sides of the windows. I didn't want to look at the sky yet because maybe today i might not need to. Mrs. Chase turned on the radio. Katy Perry filled up the entire car.

Annabeth wrinkled her nose and told her mom to turn it back off. She took out her phone and played something different instead.

"Chain smokers of America" began to play.

I stared at her. She caught my eye.

"What?" Her cheeks turned red but it was difficult to tell from the dim lighting.

"We are trees," I whispered.

"Yeah...wait, you listen to them, too?" She asked.

"Yeah, Chain Smokers is actually my favorite song."

"Mine, too," she said. "Okay, so I have this friend, Zoe, she likes them too, but she...

I listened to her talk for the entire car ride. I think you're expecting me to say that I was bored out of my mind, but this wasn't the case. I could've listened to her talk for hours longer. I find her very interesting. I really do hope we can be friends. I want to tell you all the things she said but I'm afraid you won't be as interested as I.

"...and I love how sometimes you can't really tell what he's saying but it sounds amazing either way," she explained.

"Especially in Sunrise, Sunset," I added.

"Yes, exactly."

"Alright, chatter boxes. We're here," said Mrs. Chase.

We all got out of the car and headed inside the restaurant before we got too wet.

Annabeth's jacket got caught on the door handle so I helped her get it unhooked. By the time we got to our table there were two seats left, but it looked a little crowded.

"Hey, mom, is it okay if Percy and I sit somewhere else? There's a, uh, vent right above this table and it's kind of cold," Annabeth lied.

"Oh, we could move to a different table if you want," said Mrs. Chase.

"No, you guys stay here. We'll be over at the back."

"Can we come?" One of Annabeth's little brothers asked.

She rolled her eyes her eyes and proceeded to the back of the restaurant. Just before I could follow, Gabe shot me a serious stare. I shrugged it off and left.

After we ate, Annabeth took her notebook out of her bag. Since I was going to ask her if she needed help before I was interrupted, I did just that.

We decided that for her second entry, she should write about this whole day, like I am right now. She said she'll use the prompt to write her first entry later.

We both decided that for my fourth entry and her third entry, we would write a poem. Separate poems, that is. I don't know, just because we can I guess.

Afterwards, we talked about other bands we both liked. We had surprisingly long conversations. I don't think I needed to secretly practice conversing with Elizabeth after all. Oh and if you're wondering, she's into The Neighbourhood, The XX, and stuff like that. But you probably didn't need or want to know anyway.

We met up with the others afterwards. As we walked out, Gabe slapped his hand on my shoulder and pulled me aside.

"We need to talk, punk," he growled.

"W-what do we need to talk about," I stammered.

"Why did you go in their car?"

"What?"

"Why did you go in their fucking car?"

"S-she wanted me to. Why?"

"Well, that's not going to happen again, you hear me?"

"Wh-"

"Why? Because we're a fuckin' family, that's why. And if you step in that car, you will get the beating of a lifetime, you hear me?"

"Yes."

I swallowed hard. Annabeth was waiting by the door. I opened the door to Sally's car. Annabeth nudged her head at her parents car. Gabe watched me from the passengers seat. I swallowed and took a breath. Bruises don't last forever.

"What was that about?" Annabeth asked me as we sat in the back of her parents car.

"What- what was what about?" She asked.

"You and your stepdad. He kinda looked like he was threatening you."

"Oh, that. No, he was reminding me about the football game that's gonna be on T.V later. We like watching football together and he gets really excited and acts all tough right before the big games," I lied.

"Oh really?" She gave a suspecting smirk. "You watch football?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"Then explain to me what a line of scrimmage is."

"Um," I strangled my fingers. "It's a line that, uh, marks the boundaries?"

"Nice try, but that's incorrect, now tell me what happened. You look really pale."

"Look I don't wanna talk about it, okay."

She held her gaze.

She pulled out her iphone and handed it to me.

"Give me your phone," she said. I did as she asked. "Put your number in. If you ever want to talk about anything just text me or call even."

She gave my phone back and I gave her hers. A new contact was added.

They dropped me off at home and Annabeth and I shared a quick goodbye in which she called me "seaweed brain" and I responded by saying "shut up". In a friendly manner of course.

As promised, I got a few new bruises today and spent the rest of the night crying and trying hard not to think about what Annabeth would say if she saw me like this.

Yours truly,

Percy


	4. Winter

Journal entry 4

winter

September 16

winter is my favorite season

because winter is kind of like

the period when the earth is sleeping

and I enjoy sleep

because it's like being dead

without putting in any effort

because when you're dead

you won't be able to feel

and if you can't feel

then you won't be sad all the time

and if you're not sad all the time

then you won't have to take more pills

than you actually need

from a small amber jar

just to feel like you're human.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**guest/yes, that book was my inspiration and you'll find out a long time from now why he has two step parents**

**Bree/thank you and as I mentioned above, that was my inspiration and also, what do you listen to?**


	5. A wolf named Nico

Journal entry 5

A wolf named Nico

September 17

I've been really looking forward to today. And I think you already know why that is. I haven't told Elizabeth that I finally have someone else to talk to, but I really want to. But somehow I'm also nervous. Now that I think about it, I'm really, really nervous.

I hate when that happens. When I get really excited about something, then I subconsciously think about something bad that might happen, then my thoughts keep multiplying and by the time I get there, I'm completely terrified.

I hope this is normal.

I wish autumn would get colder. A little because I don't like hearing what the boys in my history class say about girls' legs. Since most girls are wearing shorts daily and that is the common topic of conversation among a certain group of boys in my history class.

One of those boys is Nico Di Angelo. Nico looks and dresses like someone who wouldn't think of black as a color, but more of a hobby. He has hair almost as dark as mine and black eyes deadlier than Hell itself. He wears a slight frown on his face as if he isn't comfortable with the skin he's in. That would make two of us. His jeans are always ripped at the knees. And not to mention the way he holds himself. He's very unpredictable, that boy.

I'm starting to feel something for him and I'm afraid that it's hate. Which is unfair because I've never met him.

I saw Annabeth in my English class. The assignment was to proofread someone else's journal entry. I paired with Annabeth and showed her the journal entry that revealed the least about me, which was "Winter". I felt a little bad because she showed me all her entries and I only showed her a lousy poem. I didn't want her to think that I didn't trust her. But I also didn't really trust her. So for me to say that I don't want her to think I don't trust her, makes me a bad person. That sentence was kind of confusing. Sorry.

I ended up telling her exactly what I told you about feeling bad.

She paused and told me that I worry too much and that it was okay. She didn't look like she was lying. But then again I don't excel at reading eyes.

We walked out together after the bell rang. Her locker was really far away from mine but she walked with me regardless.

This is where things got worse for me.

I accidentally bumped into Nico and dropped my notebook on the ground. Nico promptly picked it up and flipped through its pages.

He flashed a grin. "Oh, what do we have here?"

"Percy Jackson is an anti-social faggot?" He said loudly, pretending to read it out of my notebook. "Percy Jackson is also a useless retard? Wow, I did not know that about you, dude."

He flicked my forehead.

"Hand over the book, Nico," Annabeth looked mildly angered.

"Who's gonna make me, wise girl?"

A girl who looked almost exactly like Nico approached him and held out her hand.

"Nico, quit being an idiot and give the kid his book."

"Uh, not so fast, sis. This twat bumped into ME, so now this book is rightfully mine. Well, unless someone is going to do something about it."

"Are you desperate for another split lip, Nico?" Said Annabeth.

In that split second, I could tell that he completely lost sanity; his eyes blazed out of control and in a moment of rage, he slapped her.

Her head jerked to the side and she clutched her cheek. Everything was happening too fast.

I don't know exactly what I was thinking or feeling but somehow something in the back of my head forced me to do the one thing I feared I was going to do.

I punched him.

He staggered backwards and fell to the floor. My fist stung so bad I felt like falling, too.

I picked up my book from the ground and walked to my locker. I didn't see Nico, Annabeth or the other girl for the rest of the time I had left in school.

When Elizabeth asked me what happened I refused to open my mouth.

I didn't mean to punch him, I swear. It wasn't me, it was...someone else. Someone else inside of me that punched him, not me. I don't know how to explain it, but I swear I didn't mean to. I promise. I hope you don't think different of me. I hope Annabeth doesn't think different of me.

Hell, she probably doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. That's probably why I haven't seen her all afternoon.

I don't like this feeling.

After school I didn't even feel like looking for her, so I just left.

There's this small forest that sits in the middle of my way home. I always go around it, but today I crossed straight through it because all I wanted to do was get inside the safety of my room. At least there, I can't hurt anyone but myself.

What I didn't know was that there was a wolf that hid behind the trees of that forest. A tall, skinny wolf like me, with black hair like mine and unstable eyes like mine. A wolf dressed in black. A wolf dressed in pain and hurt. A wolf named Nico.

But he wasn't alone. Three other cruel looking boys stepped from behind him.

I took a step back.

"That's right, back away you little coward," Nico spat.

This friends surrounded me. I backed up into a tree.

"There's nowhere to run to now. Do you feel like throwing a punch now, Jackson? Huh?"

I didn't respond.

"You're fucking pathetic, you know that? You don't even talk at school but suddenly you get the nerve to punch me? Is it because I smacked that fuckin' broad?" He said.

"Hah," Nico continued. "It's true, I can see it in your eyes. You know what? I'm sick of little pricks like you trying to play hero. Fuck you, Percy Jackson. Fuck. You."

Just as he snapped his fingers, the three boys surged forwards and began attacking me. I did nothing to defend myself, at least I don't think so. My memory is a little foggy.

All I could see was flying fists and black spots. By the time it was over I was lying on the forest floor with my cheek to the earth. I could try to explain how much it hurt but I would just end up scribbling dark black lines on the page instead.

Nico took my notebook from my backpack and held one of the edges to his lighter. He dropped the book right next to my arm. I watched my notebook get engulfed by the flame and lied still as my brain was suffocated by smoke.

Everything turned black and suddenly the world was gone.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**/questions are welcome**

**/i'll update this week**


	6. Untitled

Journal entry 6

Untitled

September 17

I woke up later to see the ground moving from under me. I didn't want to look up because I was afraid of what I might see. In fact, I was afraid of what I was already seeing. Everything had too many shadows. The grass, the tree roots. Too many shadows. Hallucinating, probably. Ghost images. Shadows.

I passed out again.

This time I woke up to see find myself staring at the sky. I heard hushed voices. Everything sounded warbled and hazy.

I was picked up by the arms and the ground started moving again. I looked to my left. A girl with dark brown hair had my arm wrapped around her shoulder and was dragging me forwards. To my right was a girl with blond hair, doing the same thing the other girl was doing.

"Who are you?" I tried to say. I passed out before the words left my mouth.

This time I woke up to see someone's ceiling. It didn't feel like a long time had passed since I last passed out. My head hurt really badly. The same voices kept whispering. I then realized that I was laying down on something really comfortable. My head began to pound and I was losing myself again.

But suddenly her face appeared from a distance over mine. HER face. Her face.

I was gone again.

I found myself looking at the same ceiling when I woke up for the fourth time. My vision had gone back to normal. My head still hurt, but not as badly as before.

I tried to sit up, but laid back down because my head started pounding as hard as before.

There was someone on the floor in front of my bed. Now that I think about, this wasn't my bed. This wasn't even my room and probably wasn't even my house.

"Where-?" I whispered.

The figure sitting on the floor, turned around.

I was hit with a pair of concerned grey eyes. I swear she had the entire atmosphere churning in her irises, that girl.

"I was wondering when you'd come around," she came to the edge of the bed.

"Where am I? And how did I get here?" I questioned.

"Well, you're in my brothers' room. And my friend and I found you lying down unconscious with your notebook in flames. Now I think I deserve an explanation."

"Nico."

She rubbed her eyes in annoyance as if this wasn't the first time that Nico caused trouble.

"Of course."

She didn't react like I expected her to.

I stared at the ceiling. I honestly don't know what to think or feel now. Surprisingly, I don't feel like crying or tormenting myself. I just feel apathy.

And I think I'm fine with that.

My bruises aren't too bad and don't hurt as much as they did. And surprisingly, I don't care. I don't know why, I just don't care at all.

"Done." Said Annabeth.

"Done with what?"

"Your journal."

I pulled the bedsheets off of me and limped to where she sat.

"When I got there, your book was still burning and Nico must've burnt the book starting from the back cover so the first few pages weren't as burnt as the rest. So I went ahead and wrote your entries in a new journal."

Five partly burned sheets of paper ripped from my old notebook were set in front of her. I opened the new notebook to see my entries rewritten in neat handwriting.

I felt a little angry at her because she read my entries, but then again she was just trying to do something nice for me. So now I just feel neutral. Apathy again. I keep going back to apathy. Why?

On the front cover of the notebook was a space for me to leave a title.

"What should we name it?" I asked.

"We?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, sorry, I. What should I name it?"

"No, no, I was just surprised. I like 'we' better."

"Okay, what should we name it?"

I tried to come up with a title based on what I felt, but all my feeling just disappeared and I was left with apathy again and again and again.

"Annabeth?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it better to feel too violently or to feel too little?"

"I don't- I don't know. But I'll definitely think about it."

"Well, until you come up with an answer, we'll leave it _untitled_ for now. Where are the painkillers?"

I took four instead of two because i wanted my body to be numb, too.

So now I'm sitting with Annabeth at her front steps while the sun is trying to make me jealous with its hues. She's telling me about her favorite things and I'm just a soul in a shell taking in her words hoping that something might spark some feelings in my chest. But everything is moving so slowly and I'm trying hard not to force my mouth to say things I'll regret.

"Sometimes I feel like i shouldn't tell anyone what's inside my head because then they'll stop liking me." I interrupted.

She looked at me. I looked away.

My feelings erupted. And right now, all I could think about was how much worse it is to feel too violently. And everything that I've been secretly hoping to feel just came rushing back to my head all at once.

I hate Nico and my entire fucking body hurts and my notebook is gone and Annabeth read my entries and I'm really mad at her and I just want to fucking cry and scream and lie down until I feel like its time to quit breathing.

And here come the tears.

And the lump in my throat.

And Annabeth looks at me with those eyes.

And she starts getting really worried.

And I can't hear anything she's saying.

And the whole neighborhood can hear my heartbeat.

And the silence begins.

And now I'm getting really sad again.

And I tell her, "I've never told anyone that before."

"I'll still like you no matter what you tell me."

"Do you promise?" I wiped the tears off my face.

"I promise."

I looked away. The sun was setting.

She plucked a flower from the grass and placed it in my hair.

"_It'll stop you from crying_," she whispered. I noticed a slight, friendly smile peek through her lips.

And that was the beginning of our friendship.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**I want you to tell me what you thought and how it made you feel.**


	7. Him

Journal entry 5

Him

September 18 (4:09 AM)

This is how he described me:

_"Annabeth leaned on the wall. Annabeth. How could I describe her? Well, Annabeth had long blond hair, careless like the bristles of a paintbrush, well past her shoulders. Her eyes were storm clouds, but somehow I knew that she wouldn't hurt a fly. She had almost unnoticeable freckles on her face, like white paint splatter on white paper._

_She looked like art. Not the kind of art that was made for exposure and all things fancy. The kind of art that made you feel things you've never known, but also yet appealing in its own way. Kind of like how people are attracted to cities and she was but a small leaf and yet even more beautiful than all of Portland._

_And those words are the only words I would ever want to use to describe her."_

It's 4:12 in the morning and this is all I can think about.

Love always,

Annabeth


	8. Introvert or Extrovert

Journal entry 7

Introvert/Extrovert

October 1

Its getting really windy now. The sky is almost always white and stoic. Everything is dying. But that's okay because now I have something to look forward to in the spring.

The last time I wrote was in September and I've made one new friend since then. I'm a little bit worried that maybe I'm making it seem like more than it is. Annabeth introduced him to me and we've made brief small talk, which I hate, by the way. Does that count as being friends? Maybe I'm just desperate. I don't want you to think that I'm pathetic but i have no room to say that I'm not pathetic, so.

But I really want him to like me so that we can both agree that we're friends. And in order for this to happen, I'm trying to act a little less like Percy and a little more like an actual human being. This means that I have to stop crying, stop being awkward, no stuttering, no avoiding eye contact, no anxious thoughts and I also need to boost my self esteem.

The list is extensive, I know. But I just really want to know how it feels like to have more than one friend. I want to feel like I'm actually impacting someone's life.

"I don't want to be an introvert anymore," I told Elizabeth.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Really? Where's this coming from?"

"I want to make a good impression on my new friends."

"Percy, you don't have to change who you are to impress anyone," she told me.

"Well, also because I just decided that it would be nice if I were a little more extroverted. Not just because of Luke."

"Are you really sure about this?"

"Yeah, I, uh, also made a list of things I should work on." I gave her the list.

Her eyebrows scrunched as she skimmed through it.

"Percy, I'm still convinced that you're only doing this just to impress your friends. If you're going to do something as drastic as this, make sure you want to do it for yourself, not for anyone else."

"Okay, but does it really matter who I'm doing this for? It's not like it's going to hurt me. Are you going to help me or not?"

"I'm sorry."

She wouldn't help me.

At the moment, this was the worst thing she could do because I'm actually trying to improve my life and the one person who I cared about the most is stopping me.

"No, Elizabeth, I'm sorry. You were the first person I came to because I thought that you could help me. I just don't want to feel lonely all the time, okay? That's the only reason why I'm doing this. And if you won't help me then fine. I'll get out of your hair."

She blinked.

I promptly stood up and headed to the door.

Just as I was about to close it, she said, "I can't tell you what to do."

I stopped.

"But I seriously want you to know that you don't have to do this for anyone. You're perf-"

The door closed.

"Sally, do you think that it's okay to try and be a better person around certain people?" I asked.

"Of course."

"No, I'm sorry that wasn't what I wanted to ask you. Do you think that it's okay to change who you are for certain people?"

"Yes."

I bit my lip. As much as I wanted to believe her, I didn't. When it comes to me, Sally will never say no. I hate that about her. Actually she does the same with Gabe. It's always yes. She never defends or disagrees. It's almost as if she's not-no, I shouldn't say that.

Please don't think differently of me when I say this, but it's almost as if she's not even her own-

I can't.

"Annabeth, do you think it's okay to change who you are for certain people?"

"I don't know, I guess it depends if you're doing it for your benefit or if you're doing it for someone else's benefit."

"What do you mean by 'for someone else's benefit'?"

"Well, if it's for a significant other then it might be okay but if it's for someone you just met then it might not be. You have to be true to yourself and to others. Can I ask why you asked?"

Without hesitating, I told her how I'm trying to be an extrovert so that Luke can be my friend and how I've been asking people whether it's okay for me to do that or not.

"You didn't have to go through all that trouble, you could've just asked me to ask if he likes you or not." She smiled.

"Can you?"

She made a slight frown. "I kind of already did."

"And?"

She twiddled her thumbs."And...he, um, thinks you're great."

I frowned.

"Was that even believable?" She asked.

I didn't say anything.

"I'm a terrible liar. I'm sorry." She looked sincere.

"No, I'll get over it, right?"

"Right," she said softly.

I sat quietly and didn't say anything for a while.

Annabeth lifted the blinds of her bedroom window. She slid the glass to the left, went through the window and stepped onto the roof.

"Sit with me,"was all she said.

I crawled through the window and sat on the roof with her.

The sky was threatening rain but I didn't believe it. The air was cold.

The view was the best part. Everywhere I looked I could see trees. But I guess it didn't really matter. The view would still be okay in my opinion if there was only one tree or two trees. I hope you understand the connection I'm trying to make.

Annabeth plugged an earbud into her ear and the other in mine.

'Sunrise Sunset' began to play.

"Percy, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Did you change who you were for me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because you made me feel like i didn't have to."

She looked at me. I tried to make eye contact but failed after holding her gaze for a split second.

"Let's have a staring contest," she said.

"What's that?"

"You stare at my eyes and I'll stare at yours. The first person to blink loses."

"Okay."

"Ready? Go."

We stared at each other for at least 19 seconds until I blinked.

"One more time," she said.

She blinked at 17 seconds.

"Can I ask you something?" She looked at me.

"Yeah," I held her gaze for three seconds.

"Actually never mind," she looked away and smiled.

"What's up?"

"Nothing, I'm just really glad."

I am so confused.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**_i'm really curious as to whether somethings I write are confusing or if they're painfully obvious. So if you will, please answer these questions in your review._  
**

**_Why did Annabeth decide to have a staring contest with Percy?_**

**_(it's somewhat important)_**

**_If you have an answer that you think is correct, how hard was it to find the answer? Rate 1-10 (1 being childplay and 10 being rocket science)_**


	9. Nico's return

Journal entry 8

Nico's return

October 16

So, um, Nico came by my house today. It was definitely a shock for me, too. But I don't think I resent him as much as I did in September. It's weird, I don't think I resent him at all. I hope you don't either.

So anyway, he came by my house to apologize for what he did that day. I don't want to repeat what he said because if I were him, I wouldn't want someone repeating something that took me such a long time to say. But I promise you that it was sincere, at least it sounded like it was.

At that time I was just shocked. Not in a good way and not really in a bad way. Just shocked. But I ended up apologizing for punching him. He told me I didn't have to apologize, but I figured that it was unfair for him to do all of the apologizing and also I felt really bad because it was obviously really awkward for him.

I let him inside my house because it started to rain and because he told me he had nowhere else to go.

"Oh, do you live far away?" I asked.

"No, my dad just wants me out of the house." He replied bitterly.

"You guys don't get along?"

"He's an asshole."

"I'll take that as a yes."

An uncomfortable silence grew over us. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't trust my tongue to say something that didn't make this worse than it already was.

"So-"

"Instead of talking, I have a better idea of what we could do," Nico interrupted.

"Okay."

"We're gonna go ding dong ditching."

"Um, what's that?"

"Oh my god, you don't know what ding dong ditching is?"

"Sorry."

"No time for apologizing, let's get out of here. Wait do you have a bike?"

"No."

"Okay, then you can just ride on the pegs of mine."

I had no idea what that meant but I went along anyway.

His bike was waiting in my driveway. He got on it despite that it was soaking wet.

"Get on the back pegs," he told me.

Two silver cylinders protruded from the center of the back wheel. That must be what he was talking about.

"Hold on to me unless you wanna fall off," he said.

I gripped his shoulders.

He sped down the hill because he said that it would be easier to start there.

So house after house, he rang the doorbell, hopped on the bike and peddled away before someone opened the door. I didn't understand the point.

Soon enough we reached Annabeth's house. I only noticed that it was hers right as he pushed the doorbell. Without warning, I hopped off the bike and rushed to the door.

"Dude, what are you doing?! Let's go!" Nico whisper shouted.

"This is Annabeth's house. We can't do-"

"Why not?"

"Because i said so."

The door opened and Annabeth appeared.

"Percy! I was just about to call you. Come in, I want you to meet some people," she grinned.

"I'm kind of soaking wet and I actually wanted you to meet someone, too."

"Okay, you first."

"Meet Nico," I guided her eyes to Nico, who sat on his bike and waved.

Annabeth took my hand and pulled me inside. She shut the door promptly.

"Um-"

"Percy, wha-are you c-why?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"He came to my house and apologized."

"Oh, so naturally you guys became buddies?"

"Annabeth, he meant it."

"This is the same Nico that beat you up like a month ago. Do you remember that?"

"Annabeth, that was a long time ago and to be honest, I'm over it."

"Okay, but still, of all people, Nico?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to say, but if you want me to leave I can."

She grabbed my hand.

"You don't have to. But if he ever hurts you again-"

"Yeah, I know, mom."

"Go ahead and let him in."She left.

I opened the front door and waved Nico inside. The two of us stayed by the door because we didn't want to track water inside her house.

Annabeth came back with two other people. One who looked like the female version of Nico and another girl with dark brown hair and intense sapphire eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here, Nico?" Said the girl who looked like him. I guess that maybe they were siblings.

Nico made a face.

"Um, Bianca, meet Percy, Percy meet Bianca. Zoe, meet Percy, Percy, meet Zoe."

Nico cleared his throat really loudly.

Annabeth rolled her eyes. "Also meet douchebag-er, I mean Nico."

"Thanks," Nico said acerbically. "Perce, I'll be outside."

He left.

"I should go, too," I said.

She opened the door and walked out with me.

"Oh, uh, one more thing. There's this party coming up on the 31st. Luke's house. And i was wondering if you wanted to go with us, I mean if you're free that day or-"

"I'll, um, I'll think about it."

"Okay, call me if you decide."

"Yep."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hopped on Nico's bike pegs and we took off.

"You like her." He said.

"Annabeth?"

"No, not Annabeth. That's a different story. Zoe."

"Zoe? I don't know."

"You know it's true, you didn't blink for a whole twenty seconds when you saw her."

"Okay, now you just admitted to examining for how long I look at people."

"Dude, just say it."

"I'll say maybe."

"Maybe yes or maybe no?"

"Just maybe."

"Whatever you say."

"What did you mean when you said that Annabeth was a different story."

"You are so blind."

"What?"

"You mean, you don't see it?"

"Nico, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

"You know what, it's not my business and I won't intervene."

"What business? Just tell me."

"Nope."

"Okay, is it good or bad."

"That depends on how you take it."

"Please tell me."

"You'll find out sooner or later and if this 'Zoe' thing works out, this news will kick your ass, Jackson."

"Can you just give me a small hint."

"Annabeth. There's your small hint."

"You are so helpful," I said sarcastically.

"Okay, tell you what. If something doesn't happen at that party, then I'll tell you."

"So you're coming to the party?"

"Hell yes, dude. Are you?"

"I don't really do social events."

"Well, too bad because you're going, even if I have to drag you."

"Well then I guess I'm going. When is it again?"

"October 31st."

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

_**keep watch for october 31st**_


	10. Options

Journal entry 9

Options

October 18

I've been spending a lot of time sitting on my roof. Especially early in the morning. It's always cold in the morning but I don't complain. There's a certain feeling that the cold air gives me. I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry if you don't understand.

I guess I'm starting to get a little more carefree than I have ever been in the past four years. It's probably because things haven't been okay like this in a long while and I'm spending all my time up on the rooftops trying to feel okay before the feeling goes away again.

But I don't want to get too comfortable with this feeling because one day it'll go away again and I'll be left alone wondering what happened again and again and again.

If that's the case then I probably shouldn't get too comfortable with anything at all because I'm too sure that it won't last. It's not a very good way to exist but I'm going to have to deal with it.

Despite what Elizabeth had said, I've been thinking a lot about being an extrovert. But I don't really think I can commit to actually doing it. Even if I'll try I'll probably just end up faking my confidence instead of actually having confidence. Well, I do have confidence. I just keep it locked up in a box because I'm too afraid to use it. I don't think I even know how to use it.

Anyway, I read an article about extroverts and introverts earlier and there was a certain piece that stuck in my head for so long.

_"You only have one life, are you sure you want to spend the rest of it caring what people think?"_

I can imagine myself trying to be confident, but the one thing that's stopping me is that if actually do try, there will always be someone or something that's going to go against my confidence. See, being confident is the easiest thing in the world. The only problem for me is that all it would take to break mine, is a single comment. A single comment and I would shatter into a million pieces.

And I think that's the reason I choose not to participate in anything social or even speak my mind all because of my fear that someone will shatter me. I've never told anyone this before. And I'm afraid that I won't ever be comfortable to actually tell someone.

_"You only have one life, are you sure you want to spend the rest of it caring what people think?" _And sadly, I will live in fear for the rest of my life.

I received a text from Annabeth asking me if I wanted to go to church with her. I don't know why but I never expected her to be religious. I don't think about religion a lot. I'm not even sure I believe in anything. I guess it's time to start. I told her I would go.

I asked her what I was supposed to dress because I've never stepped foot in a church in my entire life.

_"Dress like you're on a casual date with the First Lady."_ She texted.

_"That definitely narrows it down."_

_"I don't know, find something._ _But not too casual bc they're kinda strict."_

I ended up wearing a suit jacket, skinny jeans and Vans. I spent ten minutes trying to do the thingy with the tie, which inevitably ended in failure.

_"Head over to my place when you're finished."_ She texted.

I gave up with the tie and angrily tossed it on my bed.

The walk to her house was short because she lived in the house directly across from mine.

I rang the doorbell. Moments later, Zoe opened the door.

Oh no.

She was stunning. I don't want to say anything else.

"Come on in. Annabeth is upstairs, but she'll be down in a second." She assured.

Zoe and I sat down on the nearby couch.

"You guys do this every Sunday?" I asked her.

"Just once in a while." She said.

I nodded and waited.

"Who do we have here?" A man spoke from behind.

Annabeth's father, I soon discovered.

"Sir! Hello," I shook his hand.

He gave a hearty chuckle,"What a splendid surprise. Annabeth didn't tell me you were coming. On a side note, you look dashing."

"As do you, sir."

"You could use a tie, though. Here, take mine, I've got plenty," He undid his black tie and placed it in my hands. He retreated upstairs. His wife followed, but not before giving me a cold stare.

"Um, can you help me with this?" I gripped the tie, uncomfortably.

"Sure."

"Your dad never taught you how to tie a tie?" She simply asked.

"Not really."

"How come?" She wrapped the tie around the back of my collar.

"Because he's gone."

"He passed away?"

"No, he's not dead, just..._gone_. Like he just disappeared off the face of the earth."

"Have you ever seen him?"

"No."

"What about your mom?"

"I don't really know. She's gone, too."

"I suppose you've never seen her either?"

"Nope."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be."

The tie was finished. She took a step back and examined me.

"What?" I asked.

"It's...nothing." She gave a small smile and looked away.

Footsteps rushed down the stairs. Annabeth.

"Hey," she greeted.

I gave a smile.

"Ready?" Zoe turned to Annabeth, "Misty's car is waiting outside."

"Of course, come oooooonnn," Annabeth swiftly ushered Zoe out the door. I followed behind.

I soon found out that 'Misty' was Zoe's older sister and that her name was actually Artemis. That's all I discovered from Annabeth and Zoe's lengthy conversation on the way to our destination. I tried not to listen too much and mostly kept my eyes out the window.

We had to sit in pews. There was a glass podium at the front- I don't really like detailing this place as much as anything else. Just imagine the inside of a modern church. There were strange people everywhere. I don't mean strange in a bad way, but, I don't know; everyone was just so happy and joyful. It seemed strange because I was kind of expecting there to be a serious mood.

I was getting a bit anxious because almost every time I'm around too many people, something bad happens(almost always ending in embarrassment). Usually not anything major, but it's just a reminder that's been stuck inside my head for God knows how long.

And this time I lost them. I lost Annabeth, Zoe and Artemis in the crowd. I wandered around everywhere looking for them or at least one of them. And every minute I ran into someone who just happened to notice me and decides to shake my hand and welcome me.

"How's your day?"

"Welcome to St. Columbia."

"We're glad you came."

Stop.

Just stop.

Face after face, handshake after handshake, words bouncing everywhere, countless people all trying to get to different places, I'm crashing into them, everyone is talking to different people, it's so loud. It's so loud. I can see their personalities from their eyes and I'm the target. I'm always the target. But this is a church. Everyone is talking and I'm losing breathing room. I'm confused and terrified and I'm don't think I'm even trying to fight it anymore.

And then there's this feeling. It's in my chest and it's trying to come out. Banging up against my ribs as hard as it can. My lungs are refusing to do anything. And the feeling creeps up my throat and I'm very sure that my eyes will begin to dampen. And I'm the only one feeling this. Everyone is so happy and talking to their friends at the same time. It's like I'm drowning and everyone else is on the shore. But the problem is that it lasts for such a long time and I wish I was like you because then I'd only feel it for a second and it'd disappear into my stomach.

I'm not insane. I want you to understand. I want you to know that this is what happens. There's just too many people. I'm trying to ease up, I promise. It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

"Percy?"

And here he comes. Annabeth's father. His eyebrows curve upwards and he's worried.

"Percy?"

I'm breathing harder than I'm supposed to. I look up at his face.

"Percy, what's the matter?"

"I don't know," is all I can say.

"You're supposed to be with the others."

"Take me. Please. I'm sorry. I-I was just trying to find-"

"It's okay. Come on," he walks forward.

I'm still here.

He turns around. "Come on," he repeats. I get up and follow him, rubbing my hands furiously.

Annabeth, Zoe and Artemis are waiting by some doors.

"I think you guys are missing one," he says.

"There you are..." Says Annabeth. Her words slow down at the end of her sentence. Her eyebrows drop. "What- what's going on?"

"I found him sitting down by the annex, looking like he's seen a ghost or something. And, um, can I have a private word with you?."

Annabeth mouths something to me. I mouth it back.

"Sure, dad."

They both leave.

Zoe looks to me.

"Let's go," she says quietly.

We find some seats in a nearby pew and I make sure to sit a little bit away from them. Not far enough to raise eyebrows, but far enough for me to feel satisfied.

You know that one kid that you always have to babysit whenever you go somewhere public with someone else's parents? I feel like that kid.

Annabeth returns and sits next to Zoe.

"Annie," Zoe whispers. "What did your dad say?"

"Oh nothing."

"You're not fooling anyone. What was it about?"

"Percy."

"Speaking of, what was that whole thing about?"

"He gets anxiety attacks."

"Oh."

Annabeth gives me a look.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

"It's not your fault," She says.

"Okay."

"If you're okay, then smile for me."

I gave her a forced smile.

"Smile like you mean it," she said.

"I can't. But I'm okay with that.

I then turned my attention to the man at the podium. He was reading a verse from the bible. I stared blankly.

He then started explaining what it meant and, no, I don't think I'm going to write exactly what he's saying because I just don't want to make you as frightened as I was. He started talking about the end of the world, about how there would be this "rapture" in which non-believers would be tortured by Satan and his demon and how the Christians would disappear. And then he began to talk about how all the Christians would forever live in heaven to worship God and how the ones who lived lives of sin would be judged by God and damned to Hell eternally.

The man began to plead for anyone who wanted to be born again to come to the front. He pleaded and pleaded and pleaded.

"Don't end up like the rest of them", he said. "It's up to you."

I looked at Annabeth. She looked back and said nothing. I mouthed something to her.

"Only if you want to," she mouthed back.

I don't want to go to Hell, but I really don't want to go to Heaven either. The man asked all of us to bow our heads and close our eyes. He then asked for anyone who wanted to be saved to raise their hand.

A moment of silence seeped inside the church.

Trembling, I raised my hand.

"Ah, yes," said the man at the podium. "Young man in the back, please, come to the altar."

I could feel their eyes boring into me. I placed my hands on the seat.

"Don't be afraid."

I stood up and approached the man. He held out his arms and hugged me. I kept my arms by my side.

"Are you ready to become a Christian?" He asked.

I paused. "I guess."

"This isn't about guessing, this is about knowing."

"Yes," I told him halfheartedly. "Yes, I'm ready."

I took a breath. He placed his hand on my head and began to pray out loud. His hands were shaking. My hands were limp. His eyes were closed. Mine were sneaking glimpses at the floor.

"Amen," he finished.

"_Amen_," I repeated .

Applause broke out and everyone was joyful again. I just stood there.

"How do you feel?" He asked me.

"Was I supposed to feel something?"

"Not at all. It's the transformation itself that matters." He turned to face the church. "As we welcome this young man into the arms of our beloved church, I dismiss all of you. Have a wonderful evening and God bless."

I faced the window during the car ride back home. I just wanted to be in my room. And I guess I got what I wanted.

This whole Christianity business is strange. So, am I supposed to worship someone who I don't even know is there? And what about Heaven? I mean I like the idea of living in paradise, I just don't like the idea of living forever. I hate it. I guess it's the thought of just going day after day, doing the same thing over and over again, it gets boring after a while. And I don't want to be bored forever. It's like a second life and I'm not even fond of the first one. But it's better than the alternate, which is spending forever in Hell, burning alive and not being able to die. I wish there was a third option in which I could just cease to exist. But I can't imagine what it would be like to not exist. I really can't even imagine it. It's like my mind is blocked off and I'm restricted to think about it. I have a lot of questions about things like that. I also think I want to major in philosophy, maybe. I don't know, maybe I'll stop thinking of bad stuff if I just smother it with a bunch of other information. I'm going to go take a nap.

My phone had a screenful of texts from Annabeth when I woke up.

_"Hey get to my roof. I want to talk to you."_

_"Hey you."_

_"Hey."_

_"Seaweed brain come ooon."_

_"Percy?"_

_"Don't tell me you're sleeping."_

_"Wake uuuupppp."_

_"Pleeeeaaase?"_

_"Okay whatever don't talk to me we're not friends anymore."_

_"I'm kidding, but when you wake up come to my roof, k?"_

I pulled up my blinds and saw her sitting on the roof covered in a blanket, hair blowing in the wind, dangerous grey clouds churning above her.

I left the house and and tossed pebbles on top of the roof until she noticed me. "Door's unlocked, so get your butt up here," she ordered. I did as she said.

I sat down next to her.

"Hi," she grinned.

"You brought me here just to say hello?" I cocked my head.

"Well, who else is going to talk to me? I mean, Zoe doesn't like being out in cold weather, Thalia lives far away, and if I bring Luke up here, he'll think its some sort of romantic gesture. So that leaves you, the most obvious choice. Oh, that reminds me. I've got new music for you. Ever heard of 'Of Monsters and Men'?"

"Can't say I have."

"Plug it in," she handed me an earbud.

A song that I later found out to be called _Lakehouse_ began to play. She placed her blanket around me.

"So I guess you figured out that my mom doesn't like you," she began.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Zoe told me about how she kept glaring at you."

"Well not really glaring, but from this rally uncomfortable stare she gave me after I talked to your dad."

"Yeah, she'll do that to anyone. When it comes to my mom, she'll hate you until you give her a reason not to hate you. But you don't have to try to be nice to her, I mean she hates me and all my friends so there's really no point."

"Why does she hate you?"

"Because I'm not her child. My real mother abandoned me and flew to England where she had an affair with the CEO of Oceanus industries."

"Who's that?"

"Some big shot businessman named Poseidon or whatever."

"Weird name."

"Yeah, well my mom's name was Athena so I guess those freaks were meant to be together. Well, not anymore. After that she just disappeared. And now I'm stuck with my stepmom. She gave birth to my two brothers who are supposedly "the best damn kids a mother could ever wish for". And she grinds me about my grades if I get anything lower than a 95% in any class, while my brothers come home with written letters from teachers all the time. She says I have to keep my grades up if I want to become a surgeon one day. I don't even want to be a surgeon anyway."

"Then what do you want to be?"

"To be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm going to be and I don't even know where to start. The only thing I really wanna do is move to France, live in a small house with a job I love to death and I'll be happy. What do you want to be?"

"Just like you, I don't have a clue. I'm just making things up as I go along and I don't really know where I'll end up. Maybe I'll just die early and not have yo worry about it."

She took my hand. "No, that's not an option. Plus, if you kill yourself then you'll go to Hell."

No one said anything after that. But the wind continued to blow and the sky remained grey and everything that's out of my hands continued to happen after the mention of Hell itself.

After a long time, I said, "Annabeth, are you afraid of God?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, after death everything just kind of goes downhill. There's Hell and there's Heaven. And I'm just really afraid of both choices. If I go to Hell then I'm screwed forever, but if I go to Heaven then I guess things will be okay for a while but I just don't want to live forever. That's literally the worst thing that could ever happen to me."

"I guess we're going through the same thing. But look, don't start freaking out about it now. I was thinking the same thing when I got introduced to it, but you always have to keep your eyes on what's in front of you. Don't skip ahead or you'll just end up getting scared about things you're not ready for."

"I guess I should start calling you wisegirl, too, huh?"

"I will push you off this roof if you do."

"Whatever you say, wisegirl."

"Okay, I was bluffing."

"I can tell."

"Look at you, you've got me all figured out." She grinned.

"That's cause you talk a lot," I teased.

"And I suppose I haven't figured you out because you talk too little."

"I'm working on that."

"Yes you are. When I first met you you were this awkward, skinny boy who could barely look me in the eyes. Oh wait, you still are." She cracked up.

"Oh so you're funny now?" I grinned.

"Where have you been? Also, I've been meaning to ask you; where were you before you moved here?"

"Portland."

"Oregon, not Maine, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well I'm sorry you ended up here. In a small town by the ocean, I mean. Nowheresville, Oregon."

"I'm actually glad I'm here. For obvious reasons, of course."

"Would you like to share those reasons?"

"You, obviously."

"Thank you. What else?" She blushed.

"The forests."

"Mhm."

"That's it."

"You're forgetting one thing."

"Which is?"

"The beach. It's literally right there," she pointed to the west.

We could see the gray Pacific from her rooftop.

"We could literally go swimming anytime," she said.

Rain began to fall all around us. Annabeth and I looked up.

No thunder.

No lightning.

Just rain.

"Do you wanna get out of here?" I asked.

She turned to me with an excited grin. I opened the window back into her room. We slipped through, ran down the stairs and out the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Annabeth's mom approached from the kitchen.

"Shut up," Annabeth shut the front door and stopped at the front steps.

"Ready?"

She took my hand and we just ran. We didn't know where we were going or what we were running from, but I guess it didn't matter. We are young and things don't matter because we don't know what we're doing anyway.

We took off down the road and into the woods. The rain pelted us from above. Annabeth let out an thrilled scream. I began to laugh. And my running feet could fly, each breath screaming, we are all too young to die.

Dodging trees and crushing twigs, we sped through without a care. By the time we came through the other side of the woods we were soaking wet. A dirt road took us downhill, letting out screams and giggles all the way down. We ran down to the sand and stopped until we were gasping for breath.

The great pacific roared and sprayed sea water as waves crashed into the sand. I kicked off my shoes and she did the same. We waded in and kicked the waves at each other. The ocean water brought goosebumps to my skin.

Laughing, she pushed me backwards into the water.

I surfaced and pulled her in, too. We swam until our feet couldn't touch the sand. The water was freezing, but we swam anyway. Gray water and grey clouds were as far west as I could see. Our heads bobbled up and down on the surface. The rain had reached its peak, then began to die down and stopped at last. We swam to shore.

There was a jetty down the shore.

We sat at the edge, shivering terribly with bursting lungs. A silence passed through, her head on my shoulder, my arm found its way around her waist.

All that remained was the gentle sound of waves lapping the shore. In my head I could still hear the shouts and the rain and everything that made this day what it was. Distant, but still there.

And I think that this is the best I've felt in a long time. Maybe feeling okay can be something that can stay for the long run. Maybe this feeling doesn't have to leave anymore. Maybe things don't have to be so complicated. Maybe being happy could actually be an option instead of a hand too far to grab.

"Percy?"

"Yeah?"

"We're going to get sick tomorrow."

"I know."

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**_Okay first of all, this is by far the longest chapter yet so I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for this. _**

**_I really hope you liked it because this was my favorite chapter to write so far and I'm going to need some feedback, whether it be some constructive criticism or just tell me how much you hated/disliked/liked/loved it. _**

**_Chapter 11 will need some planning so it could take a while for me to update, so goodbye for now._**


	11. The yellow ash tree

Journal entry 10

The yellow ash tree

October 31

Autumn is going away and soon all the leaves will wither away and the trees will be left bare. I can tell because the morning air is getting colder and my bedsheets aren't warm when I wake up.

I shove my hands into my pockets. My breath is visible. The school is only a few clicks away. I can handle the cold.

Dried up leaves and bony twigs are scattered everywhere. Twisted branches spiral upwards. It's cold and I'm alone.

Nico always gets to school late. Annabeth gets driven there early because her father has to work in the morning. So that leaves me to walk to school alone because Sally leaves when I wake up and Gabe is just a useless lump hidden under the sheets.

But I don't mind walking alone because I get some time to think about things I didn't get to dream about.

A car horn suddenly shatters the silence. I turn around to see a black Jeep slowing down by the sidewalk. The door pops open and Zoe steps out. The car leaves and she gives me a small wave and steps on the sidewalk next to me.

"Hey," she says.

"Um, hi. What are you...doing?" I ask apprehensively.

She shoots me a look. "Walking with you, obviously."

"Why?"

"Do I need a reason?"

"I guess not."

We pass through the woods.

"You don't like me, don't you?" She breaks the silence."

"What makes you think that?"

"I don't know. You, like, almost never talk to me."

"Well, I almost never talk to anyone."

"What about Annabeth?"

"She's different. Plus I'm talking to you right now, so..."

"Well yeah, but..." She opens the front doors for me.

"I don't dislike you, I just don't know you that well."

"I guess I can handle that." She shoots me a grin and I could see a glint in her blue eyes as she disappears around the corner.

"Okay?" I say to myself. My cheeks were undoubtably red. I don't want to say anything else.

My first period is Algebra II with Mr. Salazar, the one I told you about in my second entry, I think. As you already know, I'm not too fond of him. He always makes sure to treat me differently than the other students. One time I asked him for help on a problem from one of our in-class assignments and he ended up telling me that I didn't have to do the assignment if I didn't want to. I did it anyway because I didn't want the others to hate me for getting special attention which I didn't even want in the first place. I still get dirty looks regardless.

Zoe's in that class too, and fortunately she's the only one who actually doesn't resent me.

Second period is P.E, which is terrible because it's in the morning, but I kind of like it because our teacher pushes me harder than the others because she thinks I need "to get more meat on them bones", as she says it. I still like my teacher regardless of this. And the others treat me the opposite of the ones in my algebra class.

Third period is an elective and my current one is 2D Art. Annabeth is in this class with me, and coincidentally, our teacher is her aunt. Annabeth is an amazing painter, but her aunt always has something to criticize about her art because she doesn't want the rest of the class to think she's playing favorites on her niece. Annabeth's aunt always makes sure to wink right after criticizing Annabeth's artwork. Annabeth tells me she loves her aunt to pieces.

Fourth period is History with Mr. Abrahms. Nico is in this class with me and he always manages to get himself and I in trouble. I guess it's partly my fault that I get in trouble with him because I usually help him with his pranks. This one time Nico had the entire class crowd around him and I while screaming "FIGHT". Mr. Abrahms broke through the crowd only to find Nico and I having a heavy battle of rock-paper-scissors. We had to stay after school that day.

Fifth period is Biology with Mrs. Halloway. I have Zoe in this class. This period is usually the time when I start getting tired and sleepy because I stayed up late the previous night. Mrs. Halloway is part of the problem because her classes are extremely boring. My favorite days are when we get to watch videos from the projector because then she shuts off the lights and it's easier to take a quick nap without getting caught. Sometimes I fall asleep when she's teaching, but since Zoe's my table mate(instead of desks we have small black tables with two red plastic and metal chairs to go with it) she's always there to wake me.

"Why are you always so tired?" Zoe occasionally asks.

"Because I have trouble sleeping at night," I always say.

She never asks why.

Lunch comes right after that. Usually I'd be in Elizabeth's office(it's actually Mrs. Fitzgerald's office, but I call it Elizabeth's because I like seeing the smile on her face whenever I say it out loud.) eating lunch and talking but today I told her that I wanted to be with my friends in the cafeteria.

So I made my way to the lunchroom. I panned the room and made my way to a specific table and sat down next to a certain blonde.

"You're here!" She exclaimed.

"Well, well, well," Zoe grinned.

Nico ruffled my hair. Bianca raised an eyebrow and gave my a small smile. I recognized three other unfamiliar faces. Two of them looked almost identical, with light brown hair, upturned eyebrows and sharp noses. And another with long black hair well over her shoulders and electric blue eyes. She wore a silver necklace with a lightning bolt pendant hanging loosely.

"Wait, what about your sessions with Elizabeth?" Annabeth asked.

"Sessions?" Zoe asked. Annabeth shot her a look that said 'not now'.

"I'm taking a day off," I told Annabeth.

"Well, okay, I need to introduce you to a few people anyway."

Sixth period is English I. Ms. Craft is the weirdest woman I know, but she's also my favorite teacher. On the first day of school she told us how she started a journal when she was nine years old and has continued making entries even today. She has a book for each year. So she encouraged the class to do so for the year. She's a very happy person and I don't want to make her unhappy so whenever we have to write personal stories in class I choose to make up fake experiences instead of how I force my best friends, Prozac and Xanax, down my throat so I don't drown inside my own feelings. She says I have wonderful memories and the worst part is that I don't feel guilty. Annabeth is in my class and she's the only one who knows.

Seventh period is my study hall. The girl with the lightning bolt necklace is in this class with me. I later found out that her name was Thalia. No one really does much of anything in this class. I keep my head down and read. Everyone else does the same. That's it.

And finally eighth period is another elective and the one I currently have is 3D Art with Annabeth's uncle. I'm sure you already know what happens in this class.

By the end of the day I'm always tired and overwhelmed so I just walk out the doors without saying goodbye to anyone. No one complains.

The sky is a pale grey and the trees look sad as I wander through the woods. There's a whistling noise all around me because of the wind. There's a little dirt path that goes deeper into the forest and I don't think I've ever bothered to go that way. That has to change.

So I dropped my backpack and walked straight into the unknown. The path eventually lead into a clearing. A clearing where the grass was still green. And right in the middle was a dark ash tree with bright yellow leaves.

It was impossible that an ash tree would grow here among these tall pines and evergreens. But I guess with a little help...

"I think you dropped something."

I turned around.

Annabeth.

She had my back pack in her hands.

"Oh, thanks, but...how did you know I came here?" I placed the back pack under the ash tree.

"Because this is my favorite spot in the forest and I figured you found it, too. This is the secret that the entire forest is hiding. And now it's up to you and me to keep it, okay?"

"Okay."

We sat down leaning on the trunk, facing opposite directions.

"Zoe told me about your parents." She spoke.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"Do you love them?"

"I don't love anyone."

"What about Rachel?"

"I did, but look what happened. I'm never doing that again."

"What about your step mom?"

"I don't love her."

"What about Elizabeth?"

"I like her a lot, if that counts."

"What about your friends?"

"You know I can't answer that."

"It's a simple yes or no question; do you love your friends?"

"It's not that easy, okay? You don't understand and I can't explain."

Silence.

"Okay," she finally said.

"Please don't be mad."

"I'm not."

I wish I could see her eyes. Then I would be able to tell if she was lying.

Suddenly, multiple shouts and whoops could be heard in the distance. Male voices calling out to each other. Footsteps. Lots of them.

Luke came crashing through the clearing. Four other guys with axes and one girl came in after him.

"Dude, this is perfect!" One guy exclaimed.

"I know," said Luke. He turned to us. "Hey, you two are gonna have to get lost because we need to cut this tree down for the bonfire."

We stood.

"What bonfire?" Annabeth questioned.

"The one we're having for the party, duh."

At the mention of the party, his friends began whooping.

"Well, can't you have the bonfire somewhere else?" She asked.

"No, this clearing is perfect. All we need to do it chop that little tree down 'cause it's in the way."

"You can't do that."

Luke raised an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"You just can't. Please just go find another clearing. You can cut down any other tree, just not this one."

"Annabeth, there are no other clearings. Just move along so we can get busy, will ya?"

"Annabeth, just let them have it." I told her.

"Yeah, listen to your boyfriend, Annie," the girl snickered.

"No, Percy, they can't."

"We're gonna give you five seconds to get out of here and that tree is going down."

"Annabeth," I warned.

"5."

I grabbed her wrist. "Let's go."

"4."

I looked at her eyes. Sure enough, a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"Don't let them," her voice cracked.

"3."

"Please."

"2"

"1."

Luke and his friends approached the tree, axes raised.

The only thing between the sharp metal of their axes and that tree was Annabeth and I.

"We're not going anywhere," I said.

Luke groaned. "Can one of you take care of little freshy over there?"

The guy in front approached me, axe raised. I slammed my knuckles into his jaw. He fell and a second guy came at me and tackled me to the ground. He was thrashing wildly and through the chaos my knee connected with his groin and he rolled over to the side, clutching his genitals. I managed to get up, but before I could do anything else, I felt the wooden part of someone's axe slam into my cheek. And to the ground I returned.

"Cut it down," Luke ordered.

I couldn't see what was happening but from the whacking sounds I knew that it was over for the ash tree.

I rolled to the side and got to my feet, clutching my stinging cheek. The two remaining guys and the girl were hacking apart the tree. It's yellow leaves were scattered aimlessly on the grass. Luke was at my left, clutching Annabeth's wrist, saying words I couldn't hear.

My thoughts were cloudy, but I'm pretty sure I knew what I was doing when I shoved my fist in Luke's gut and ran away with Annabeth. She had a tight grip on my hand as we sped to her house. I let go when we reached her mailbox. She stood by her front door examining me as I bent over to catch my breath. She came down, took my hand again and walked me to her couch without saying a word.

She padded my bruised knuckles with wet paper towels and brought me band aids. She examined my cheek with her hand and locked eyes with me. Her eyes were a thunderstorm and rain was threatening to fall. She turned away and buried her face into the pillow and began to sob.

I figured maybe she needed privacy so headed for the door.

"Please," she shivered. "Please don't leave."

My phone vibrated. It's a text from Gabe telling me I need to get home immediately. I glance at the door, then back at Annabeth, who's watching quietly.

I delete the text.

Annabeth rests her head on my shoulder when I sit down. I stare out the window at the oncoming darkness.

"Thanks for doing that. Back at the clearing." She tells me.

"Yeah, um, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What was so special about that tree?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry about your cheek."

"I'll get over it."

She yawns.

Soon enough, night has taken over and it's completely silent and Annabeth's tears are gone and her eyes are closed and I'm still here with her head on my shoulder and with my eyes closed and my mind wide awake.

So I never got to go the party after all and I'm pretty sure Nico's going to kill me for it but I honestly couldn't think of anywhere else I'd rather be than here.

I remember some time ago when I was talking to Nico and he said something about Annabeth being a "different story" and I asked him what he meant and I don't remember him giving me a direct answer and he said "if this Zoe thing doesn't work out then the news is gonna kick your ass" and now I'm completely sure that "this Zoe thing" isn't going to work out.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**_I published a different chapter 11 yesterday but I removed it because I didn't like it, so if you were up at 4:00 am and actually read it then I apologize._**

**_chapter 12 will be short so I'll definitely update soon. Review if you want to._**

**_also, if your name is Bree then you're automatically amazing.(you know who you are)_**


	12. Obedience

Journal entry 11

Obedience

November 1

I awoke to the repetitive creak of a ceiling fan. My eyes aimed to the ceiling. That's weird, because the ceiling fan in my room doesn't creak. And the ceiling should be lower.

I glanced downwards.

Oh no.

Yesterday. What happened yesterday?

The tree.

Luke cut it down.

Annabeth didn't want me to see her cry.

Gabe's text.

Her head on my shoulder.

We fell asleep.

Shit. I'm so dead. Gabe is going to kill me.

Annabeth stirred. My cheeks are suddenly warm.

I don't remember ever lying down, but her head is pressed against my jaw and she's using my arm as a pillow and her hand is on my chest and our legs are tangled together and hanging off the end of the couch and she's sleeping soundly without a care. The situation was mentally uncomfortable, but physically comfortable at the same time.

I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be at home and Gabe is definitely going to kill me because I didn't follow instructions yesterday. I need to leave. Now.

I looked down at the mess of blonde hair touching my cheek. Soft puffs of air caressed my neck. I suddenly had an urge to just lie here with here. It's stupid and I desperately need to leave. But at the same time I didn't want to wake her. She looked so peaceful and it seemed like the worst thing in the world to wake her up.

Ten minutes. I'll let her have ten more minutes to rest. Plus, I'm already super late, so what's ten more minutes going to do? Meanwhile, I tried to think of what Gabe might use to hurt me with. The most rational prediction was that he'd go classic and do it the old fashioned way with his fists.

Annabeth mumbles in her sleep a lot. I caught a few words and phrases but I couldn't put them together to form anything. I heard the phrases, "no he doesn't", "I want to", "I can't", "only one", "she's gone", "I wish", "maybe someday" and "Luke".

Why would she say his name? Of all people, why would she say his name? I guess I feel a little angry. I don't know why I should be angry, though. I glanced at the clock. It's way past ten minutes.

I apologized mentally.

"Annabeth," I whisper. She stirrs.

I whisper her name again and shake her hand gently.

She turns her head. Her eyes meet mine.

"Percy? Wha...wait, what? What are you doing here?" Her eyebrows knit.

"Don't you remember?" I ask.

"Oh," she pauses and looks the situation over.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," she frantically sits up. "I didn't know I was-I'm sorry."

"It's okay, but I really need to go home. Gabe is going to murder me."

"Please tell me that was a joke."

"It's three in the morning. I'll be lucky to even walk when he's done with me."

"What? Is that even legal-do you want me to call the cops?-"

"No!" I covered my mouth. I haven't shouted like that since- since a long time ago. "No."

"Why not? Percy, this isn't right."

"You can't do that. Promise me that you will never do that."

"Perc-"

"Promise me."

"Okay, fine. I promise. Wait a second. Percy...do you have Stockholm Syndrome?"

"I don't know what that is."

"Do you love Gabe?"

"No, I hate him."

_"Do you mean it?"_

Something in my head clicked and I'm not sure what it was. "No. No, I don't."

"Oh god, Percy, please let me call the police. This is worse than I thought."

"No, you can't do that, you promised!"

She stared at me with an expression I didn't like. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

_"Do you mean it?"_

"No." I covered my ears. "Stop saying that."

"Percy, what's going on? What's wrong with you? You're really confusing me.

"I don't-I don't know what's wrong with me. That's the entire problem. I just can't figure out what-I don't even know. Just don't say those words. 'Do you mean it?' Don't say that. Those words don't feel right."

"How are they supposed to feel?"

"Don't ask me."

"Are you sure you're okay? Because you're really starting to worry me."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm really tired and I need to go home."

"Well, okay. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Probably not." I opened the front door and left. The walk was short because my house was directly across from hers. My hand lingered on the doorknob. I looked back at Annabeth's house. I really wanted her to still be at the door watching over me, but all the windows on her house were already dark. She's gone and I'm alone again.

I opened the door quietly. Hopefully Gabriel was still asleep and I'd get my punishment later in the morning.

It's dark. The only source of light was from the television. You and both know what that could mean. Tentatively, I walked forwards. Gabe was slumped on the couch, his eyes set forward. He then turned to focus on me. A sinister grin took form upon his lips.

"Look who it is. It's Percy. It's 3 AM and you just got home. You must be tired. I should let you go to bed and sleep the rest of the morning off, shouldn't I." His smile disappeared.

"SHOULDN'T I!?" He shouted. Enraged, he got up and wrapped his hand around my small neck. I shut my eyes and tried to reimagine the small puffs of air Annabeth was breathing on my neck earlier.

"OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES AND ANSWER ME! Should I let you go to bed after you DISOBEYED ME like that?" He squeezed harder.

"No. No!" I croaked. He lifted me off the ground. I can't breathe.

"I could crush you right now, do you know that? A little more pressure and I could squeeze the life out of you." He let go. I slumped to the ground, rubbing my neck and gasping for air.

"Look at you. Sitting there struggling for air, praying to God that it'll stop hurting. Go ahead and breathe that same damn air that keeps your pathetic self alive. If only I had killed you right then. You would've liked that, right? For me to put you out of your misery? I know that's your secret wish; for someone to kill you so you don't have to do it yourself and we all know that if you kill yourself then you'll go to Hell and that's not what you want. You want to send someone else to Hell so you can go to heaven.

But let me ask you, who the hell would save you? Who the hell would even do anything remotely nice for you?

Who, Sally? Not her because she's a fucking slave. She's not even her own person. You and I both know it. I read your little diary and you almost said it yourself.

What about your friends? Your little girlfriend, Annabeth? Those little shits you call friends will desert you. I can't believe you can't see that. You're the weirdest freak they've ever met.

And you? You can't even save yourself. You barely have a couple months left. Did that make you smile? In a couple months you will witness two deaths. The first will be of your stepmother, the second will be of yours. But you're not sending anyone to Hell. Not in this life. Your stepmothers blood will be on my hands but your death will be on yours. What a desperate, tragic death that'll be.

You think I'm wrong, but I'm not. I know you. I know the way your mind works. You're a self-hating, sappy little bastard who thinks the world owes you because you're so fucked up in the head. I know every little thing about you. And the best part is that you're so easy to manipulate. You need proof? Okay, go get me the razor."

"No," I croaked.

_"Do you mean it?" He smirked._

"No, I don't," I stood up and took a small razor from a kitchen drawer and bright it to him.

"See? It's simple anti-cognitive behavioral therapy. Your whole life is one big game of 'Simon Says'. Except Simon is your father. Well, stepfather, if I was that faggot, Poseidon, then yeah I'd be your dad. Forget I said that."

I shook my head.

_"Do you mean it?"_

I opened my mouth, but closed it.

"I'll assume it worked. Anyway, I still have this razor in my hand and there's no blood on it. That needs to change. Give yourself two marks. I don't even have to manipulate you for this."

Reluctantly, I brought the blade to my wrist and carefully cut two thin lines into my skin, wincing as I did so. Blood dripped onto the carpet.

"Good, you're being obedient again. Now, kill yourself with the razor."

My eyes widened.

"You're defying me. _Do you mean it?"_

"No." I gripped the razor tightly. I raised it to my-

"I'm joking. Don't do that. Yet. Give me the razor."

I gave him the razor.

"Good work. Now I think you deserve some rest." He wrapped his hand around my neck and squeezed again. Except this time I collapsed to the ground immediately.

Yours truly,

Percy

* * *

**_I think I scared myself while writing Gabe's parts._**

**_I don't know when chapter 13 is going to be out or what it's going to be about because I need to adjust my plot again. But whatever it is, I promise it's not going to be dark. If it's going to be a long while from now then I'll probably make an authors note chapter to warn you. If it ends up being a short wait then I'll just let you guys wait for it. If it's a medium amount of time then I'll laugh about it._**

**_bye_**


	13. No title

Journal entry 12

Untitled (no title)

November 3

It began with me standing barefoot on the grass in front of a cathedral-like building. At some point in history it must've been a gleaming palace but now all that remains are frayed white walls with the paint wearing out. The wooden doors in the front were left ajar, so I slipped inside.

The only source of light was a glowing white neon sign on the opposite wall from the doors. It read, "Welcome." The "e" stopped glowing as I entered. Wooden benches were scattered around. There was another door to the left. I opened it.

Another neon sign. It read, "Collect your things."

The room was empty besides the old wardrobe leaning against the wall. I opened the wardrobe to find it empty. I reached to the top shelf to find a small, heavy, weirdly shaped object. A pistol. I took it. The neon sign dimmed out.

I entered the next room.

The neon sign read "Stop counting."

One wooden chair was placed in the middle. On that chair sat Nico. His eyes were cast forward and his lips were moving. I leaned in to hear him counting.

"207,634. 207,635. 207,636..."

"Stop counting," I simply said to him.

"207,637. 207,638. 207,639..."

"Nico, stop counting."

"207,640. 207,641. 207,642..."

I tried to open the door to the next room, but it was locked.

I looked back at the sign. 'Stop counting'.

I covered Nico's mouth, but I could still hear him counting inside my head.

I covered my ears. "Stop counting!"

He wouldn't stop. I looked back at the sign.

Nico stood up, still counting, took my the pistol from my hand and placed the muzzle under his chin.

"No," I tried to take the pistol away from him, but he wouldn't budge. Someone knocked on the door I came through.

Nico looked worried and began counting faster.

Stop counting.

Another knock.

Nico counted faster.

Stop counting.

Pounding.

Faster.

Stop counting.

Hammering.

Fastest.

"Save yourself," he whispered.

Gunshot.

Silence.

An hour later I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I glanced at the sign. It read, "Collect your things".

I picked up the pistol next to Nico's dead body and opened the door.

This neon sign read, "Kill the one you hate the most".

Three chairs were lined up next to each other. On those chairs sat Rachel, Zoe and Sally.

All three of them whispering, "Save yourself."

An hour later I picked up the pistol next to Sally's dead body and tried to open the door to the next room, but it was locked. I glanced at the sign. It now read, "Kill the rest."

Two hours later, the door was unlocked and I entered the new room.

This sign read, "Save her or save yourself". There was someone pacing around the room in circles. At the sound of the door opening, the figure turned to me.

"Who-who are you?" she asked in a shaky voice.

"Who are you?" I asked back.

"I asked you first," she said.

"Percy. Now who are you?"

"You're lying."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are because Percy is right there," she pointed to the corner. A boy was huddled up in the corner. His angry, dark green eyes met mine. He frightened me.

"Then who am I?"

"I don't know. Wait, are you here to save me?"

"I'm here to save someone, I just don't know who."

"You have to kill one of us."

"What?"

"That's what they told me. They said that someone would come here and they would have to make a decision. Save me or save yourself."

"Who told you that? Where are we?"

"You told me that, remember?"

"I don't-"

"Don't you get it? None of this is real. You're dreaming and you have to kill me in order to wake up. That's what they-you, told me."

"What else did they-I tell you?"

"If you kill me, then you get to wake up, but if you kill Percy then they'll release me. That's what you said."

"Okay, so who do I choose?"

"Me. You have to kill me. I don't want to be free, I want you to wake up."

"But then you'd have to die."

"I know, dummy. But you have to save yourself."

"You don't understand. I can't do that."

"No, you're the one that doesn't understand. We're all trying to help you. Nico, Zoe, Rachel, Sally, ...me. We're all just trying to save you. We've been saying it this whole time. You just need to listen. Please, Percy." She put the muzzle to her head and put my finger over the trigger.

"You lied to me. You knew I was Percy the whole time."

"I didn't tell you because you seemed unsure of who you were. My mom always told me that you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. You can't save me because I don't want to be saved. And we can't save you, unless you try to save yourself."

"I'm the hero of this story and I don't need to be saved."

"Time to wake up, hero."

She pushed my finger backwards and my eyes flipped open.

I don't look forward to dreams anymore.

* * *

**_I hate this entry so much. I mean I didnt want 'this' to be all of chapter 13, I wanted to add a lot more and I wasted a whole nights worth of sleep trying to edit this piece of crap. Whatever. Good morning to you, but goodnight for me._**


	14. Lost

Journal entry 13

Lost

November 4

"This isn't going to turn out well, just so you know," I told her.

"It doesn't matter," Annabeth replied.

"Whatever you say," I erased a few stray pencil marks. The size looked okay. I didn't really like the way I drew her left eye, though. I erased the whole eye and started it over. After that I tried to start on her hair."

"Uh, turn your head to the left." I told her.

She turned.

"My left."

She turned to the other side.

Silence grew over us. Not an empty silence, but one where grins and glances are exchanged instead of words.

Sometimes I don't really like writing about moments like these because I feel that it would make them less special if I wrote about them. And I know that I can guarantee that someone besides Annabeth or I will read this journal and come across something like this and they won't even think twice about it and they won't know how Annabeth's eyes light up when she's happy or how she always has a lock of hair that refuses to stay behind her left ear and I don't think anyone else would appreciate these minor details.

"Remember what I told you yesterday?" I asked.

"About you and Gabe?"

I nodded.

"Don't worry about it," she said. "Give me your journal."

"Why?"

"I need to write something."

_Sorry to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be okay :)_

She gave me a slight grin and looked away. My cheeks felt warm again.

I went back to sketching her face. I'm almost done. I tried to capture every feature in her eyes, her nose. And now that I've memorized her face, I can stop stealing glances at her and maybe I'll stop feeling awkward around her.

Finally I showed her what I've been working on for all of third hour. Her eyes lit up like they always do. She traced the marks with her fingers and looked up at me to say something, but I knew she always preferred to show rather than tell so she hugged me instead. I couldn't help but feel awkward again. Well this time it wasn't really awkward, it just felt as though something was missing. I don't really know why I feel that way. I guess it's just hard to feel the right emotions at specific times.

* * *

"So I wanted to talk to you about something interesting that came up," Elizabeth began. "Yesterday, Annabeth called to tell me the reason you didn't want to come to school yesterday."

"What do you mean?"

"I think you know what I mean."

"It's not true. Whatever she told you-"

"Percy, I'm not mad at you. I'm just curious as to why you didn't tell me, because this information would've been incredibly useful."

"Okay, I'm sorry, but please don't try to confront him or like involve the police or anything."

"Do you realize what you're asking me to do? I can't just let this go on."

"I can handle it, just give me a few months." I'm glad I didn't tell Annabeth what would happen in a few months or about Sally.

"And what exactly will you be doing in a few months?"

"It's really complicated, but I promise I will and I'll be all better and everything. Just give me a few months."

"Okay, but now we have all this time you're going to be spending here. What are we going to do with that? I can't continue what I've been doing because your now everything is a lot more complicated than I thought. Are you positive on your decision? Because I could fix this in an instant if you just let me."

"I'm sure."

"Can you at least try to help me understand why you won't let me?"

"I'm sorry."

She sighed. "Annabeth mentioned that you told her something about cognitive behavioral anti-therapy and a trigger phrase of some sort?"

"Um, yeah. That was supposed to be private."

"Oh well I'm sorry about that, but she made the right decision."

I frowned. "Don't defend her."

"I'm sure you must be angry, but you must understand that it was for the best. And you're going to have to inform me on the trigger phrase."

"..."

"Percy."

"... _Do you mean it?_"

"Th-that's the phrase?"

"Yeah."

She scribbled on her clipboard. "So I think I have an idea of what we're going to be doing for the next couple months."

"Okay, what is it?"

"We're going to disable that trigger word."

My eyes widened. "You can do that?"

"With your help."

"Okay, yeah, let's do that right now."

"It's not going to be instantaneous."

I groaned. "You could've said that before."

"Well, I'm sorry about that."

"It's fine. Let's start anyway."

"But I need you to actually try, though. I can't help you unless you actually want help."

"Okay." Sounds familiar.

She dragged a chair to the middle of the room. "Sit."

I did as she said.

"Now I'm going to command you to do something and I need you to resist. Whatever I say you have to do, don't do it. This is the one time I'm going to let you be rebellious."

"Okay."

She paused in front of me. "Get up."

I remained still.

"Percy, get up."

I remained sitting.

"Get out of the chair right now."

"Percy, I mean it. Get out of the chair this instant."

"Okay, um, this isn't working," I interrupted. "I know you and you're too nice to be aggressive."

"Right. Okay, well... Alright, stay right there. I'll be right back."

She came back minutes later with someone else.

"Percy, this is Mr. Masterson, the varsity football coach." She introduced. The man looked like he could eat me alive. He had sharp, angry eyes, tanned skin, a short, well trimmed beard, incredibly fit and overall he was not one to mess with.

He gave me a firm handshake and smiled at me. "Call me coach," he said.

"Coach is going to be your therapist for a little while. I've already briefed him in on what needs to be done so you can kick it whenever you're ready." Elizabeth explained.

"So we're doing that behavioral therapy thing or...?" I asked.

"Yes." Coach answered. "All you have to do is sit in the chair and resist any order I give you. We're going to do this until you can fully resist my commands. Once you get the hang of that then I'm going to start using the trigger phrase. The goal is for you to rebel against everything I say, trigger or not."

"Okay. You can start."

"Get up," he said calmly.

"Get up," he repeated.

"Percy, get out of the chair," he said with a little more intent.

"This is your last chance," he bent over and his face was a foot away from mine. His stare was intimidating. "Get. Up."

"GET OUT OF THE CHAIR!" He roared. His face twisted in anger.

Out of fear and instinct, I shot up and was on my feet.

"I'm sorry." I said and sat back down.

"That's alright, we'll try again."

He did the same routine; telling me to stand calmly at first, then getting in my face and trying to intimidate me, then he yelled at me again and I shot straight up. We did this two other times and I always stood up when he yelled at me. I don't really know why I couldn't remain sitting. It's like every single atom that made up my body begged me to stand and I just couldn't refuse.

"Okay then," he said after the fifth time. "This isn't working as I thought it would."

"We could try one more time," I suggested.

"That won't work, son. I can see it in your eyes."

"Strap me down."

"What?"

"You could tape my forearms to the chair so I can't get up and keep yelling so I can get used to you shouting and maybe I'll stop standing up after that."

"Yeah, but what happens when one of the staff walks past the door to hear me yelling my lungs out and I end up getting fired?"

"I'll cover for you," Elizabeth piped up. "Plus this room got soundproofed after the incident with that Timothy Shapland kid."

"Who's Timothy Shapland?"

"He used to come here everyday at lunch just like you and we'd talk things through. He was a lot like you, actually; his father hated him and his mom died-"

"My mom's not dead."

"Forgot, sorry. Anyway, unlike you he had severe anger issues and was very suicidal and he had loud outbursts and sometimes breakdowns every once in a while and one day he just completely snapped, started screaming about how he'd burn down the school and kill himself. The entire west wing heard it. The school lost quite a few kids who moved to different schools because of that. He accomplished one of those things and obviously the school is still here, so..."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I really shouldn't have said anything, but oh well."

"On that happy note," Coach cut in. "Let's continue, shall we. Are you dead set on me taping you down?"

"Yeah."

Minutes later, my arms and the arms of the chair became one. Coach started the routine. First gently, then firmly, then totally aggressive. My hands started fidgeting after the first time he yelled. My feet stomped the ground restlessly.

And suddenly Coach disappeared and Gabriel was there instead and he was no longer telling me to get out of the chair but instead was tearing me apart. His mouth was a gun and every single bullet screeched my name as I was shot countlessly. He couldn't miss and I was completely helpless.

"Stop."

"Stop!" My entire body shivered and ached for freedom. The tape wasn't giving out.

Coach was back and before I knew it my arms were free and I was breathing harder than I was supposed to be. Coach had his hand on my shoulder and his mouth kept moving but I didn't want to hear anything he was saying.

"I'm fine," was what I wanted to say.

_"What a fucking liar. You're so unhappy you can hardly breathe," _it said.

"I'm fine," I actually said.

"You sure?" Coach looked mildly worried.

"Yeah, we'll pick this up tomorrow." I left the room before he could say another word.

* * *

"So I'm guessing you found out that I told Elizabeth about... you know," she started.

"Yep," I said stoically.

"I just want to say that I thought-"

"Thanks."

"What?"

"Thank you for doing that."

"Oh, uh, you're welcome, I guess."

I made a quick left into Annabeth's used-to-be favorite clearing. Right in the middle was burnt tree stump. Annabeth approached the tree stump and stopped a few feet short.

"I hate this place," she simply said. She scuffed her shoe against the ground. "C'mon." She took my hand and we proceeded deeper into the forest.

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know. Let's get lost and call it an adventure."

We wandered way too far from the clearing and found ourselves where the ground began to slant and soon enough we were racing downhill dodging trees and roots. Finally we made it down to the edge of lake. There was a small wooden shack that sat on the shore. A thin jetty reached out further into the lake from the shack. The entire lake had a transparent effect due to the water being so clear.

After a short walk through the shack and to the end of the jetty, we discovered a small canoe tied to one of the planks. I undid the knot, we both hopped in and drifted away.

No one said anything. All that could be heard were the chirps of distant birds.

Annabeth's phone began to ring.

"Hello? ...Yeah ...With a friend ...Why? ...But- ...Okay ...Bye."

She turned to me. "I have to go."

The walk back wasn't as long as I expected. Certain trees were familiar and others weren't. I walked her to her front door where we made brief goodbyes and both retreated into our homes.

* * *

Hours go by and I'm in my bed, awake of course. My phone vibrates. A text from Annabeth.

_"Are you awake?"_

_"Yeah, why?"_

_"I want to go to the lake."_

_"You're insane."_

_"I'm serious. I really wanna go. You're coming with, right?"_

_"I guess."_

_"K. Meet me at the stop sign in 30 seconds and leave your phone."_

I changed into something else and slipped out through my bedroom. I spotted Annabeth by her mailbox waving her arms. I hopped off the roof and we raced past the stop sign and into the woods. Everything was dark and unfamiliar. The twisted branches and leaves made uncomfortable shapes in the dark.

Annabeth was quick to grab hold of my hand. I sensed her discomfort. The shapes still made me uncomfortable, but not as much as before. It took twice as long to find the lake in the dark as it did during the day. But we were there eventually. We decided to resume our canoe ride from the afternoon.

The air was frigid. I guess November is finally kicking in.

I shot Annabeth a mischievous grin, dipped my hand in the water and flicked my fingers at her.

"You really wanna start this war, seaweed brain?" She intimidated.

"Bring it, wisegirl," I shot back.

She pounded her hand through the surface of the lake. Freezing cold water shot up in the air and doused the both of us. Soon enough water was being flung everywhere; laughter and the occasional comment echoed across the lake. We both ended up throwing each other overboard anyway.

And now here we are, standing by the wooden shack under floorboards that creak, realizing that swimming at night in November was both a mistake and a good memory to spare. Our quiet whispers disappear into the night sky and we're trying to keep each other warm through wet clothes only to find that it's a wasted attempt.

So we laid in the grass staring up at the night sky. She showed me all her favorite constellations. I told her that all I saw were white dots on a dark canvas. And she told me about how there was a time when that was all she saw too, she just had to stop expecting them to be there and all of a sudden they appeared.

There's so much I want to tell her. I want to tell her everything from little things about me to the fact that I'm completely and utterly in love with her and the fact that this is the first time I've admitted it to myself. But my poisoned mind won't let me say it out loud. I wish I was more trusting. Then maybe it would be easier.

"Are you happy?" She asks me.

We're in the middle of the street, bathing in the light from the street lamp above. All the stars have turned to dust.

I almost hesitate to answer, but when I do she smiles.

"Me too," her forehead touches mine and everything that I wanted to tell her starts replaying in my mind. I can taste the words on my tongue but they won't deliver.

Her lips touch mine and it doesn't matter anymore because she already knows. The streetlight flicks off. She pulls away, whispers a warm goodnight and leaves me alone in the dark.

"Goodnight, Annabeth," I say, but she's already gone.

Yours truly,

Percy


End file.
